I think I’ve already lost you
I think you’re already gone
I think I’m finally scared now
You think I’m weak - but I think you’re wrong
I think you’re already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I’m relaxed - I can’t be sure
I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I’m just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it’s a problem I’m dealing
If you’re gone - maybe it’s time to go home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I bet you’re hard to get over
I bet the room just won’t shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I was at explodingdog.com. I have this really long list of good pictures from there that I am going to print out and post on my dorm room walls. Hopefully my roommate won”t think I am too weird. Then again, they are funny and he does have a book. I guess that makes it ok. Ha! No, but he does have T-Shirts as well. They are hot. Linky:
Right now there are a lot of things running around in my head. If I were to follow the rules of good blogging as set out in some “A List Apart” article I read recently (saying exactly what those things in my head were, and describing them thoroughly), I would run out of room on this page. I will be succinct and general for my own privacy as well as everyone else’s.
An empty room can be so peaceful, so quiet, so serene, so utterly relaxing that you melt into your surroundings and dream of nothing. The minute you bring your own inner turmoil into the air of that room, you can’t live with yourself. You can do many things when this ensues; you can run away, you can scream, you can throw yourself against the bed or silently beat your head rhythmically against a wall for hours hoping to rid yourself of the flaw that brought you to this crossroads. Having tried the aforementioned in both the literal and figurative sense, I realized I was doing myself a disservice. What do I believe in? I believe in life, in peace, and in harmony. I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that things happen for the exact opposite of the reason that our troubled minds render as the truth. I believe in myself and I believe in others. I believe I’m losing myself in others.
But I don’t mind.
I have regrets. Too many to count. Too many to list. Too many to lament. But there are some worth counting, listing, and lamenting. I realize that the code that runs this site was written during times I could have been doing something else, I could have been a part of a certain “now” and in the moment. I realized this only in the dark recesses of the back of my mind during particularly troublesome hours of working on a mySQL connect or a file submission form. I regret not listening to that niggling sensation, the sensation that I was wasting my time, that it would be worked out, and most of all, that this site too will pass. I didn’t realize the scars of life I was inflicting on myself, ignorantly working at home getting nothing done. Do I value machines over people? No. But something was out of balance, something I solemnly swear to myself will never be out of balance again. After all, balance is what we thrive on.
When we are balanced there is acceptance. That strikes me as strange because I am the most off balance I have been in years right now and I still accept. There is no denial in my mind. Furthermore, how is it that there is no doubt in my mind, no shaky footstep forward, no weighing the options; how can I truly be stating this opinion I so strongly believe in when I have no balance to back it up? How am I functioning? Am I really still breathing? I never knew you could live without your heart beating inside you, wearing it on your sleeve.
Regrets. I don’t deny I have done many things wrong, I don’t deny the pain I feel. I didn’t know what I was up against, it was like walking into a pitch-black room of impenetrable darkness full of pits; I couldn’t take any step in any direction for fear of …. doing an injustice or making a mistake. All I could do was stand paralyzed in one spot, knowing this position was safe, and shakily reaching my hands out for something to hold onto, my hands grasping at air and hurting those involved. I regret I didn’t make some step, decide something.
But now a light as bright as the sun (not 1000’s suns, that has been used too many times) has been suddenly thrown into the room, casting the holes and pitfalls that were once so veiled and mysterious in sharp relief against an uneven and dangerous floor.
I know what to do.
I can see the path in front of me, and contrary to any reason that I can think of, I can make this decision without a shaking limb or an uncertain conscious. I regret I didn’t have this light before. Perhaps I could have turned around to switch it on or perhaps it was never within my power to do so. I regret I didn’t make this decision before. I regret that I did not stand and shout to the world “I believe in myself and what I am sharing with this person, so whatever you throw at me know now that it will not sway me, not budge me, not buckle my legs or the firm resolve of my confident heart: I BELIEVEINUS.” And so, humbled by my own mistakes and the blows of fortune, I make that announcement now to the world - I am not the Stranger, I’m connected to the living world and I will learn from every buffet and blow I receive from it and come out stronger.
As my word is my thought I’ll stop writing for now and end my stream-of-conscious. Don’t you dare think I am being idealistic or I am suffering from a particularly deep form of denial - I understand what is going on and this is how I have chosen to face it.
You know, I dislike pointless emails as much as the next guy, but I figured I would try one today. It only took 3 minutes to go through so I don’t feel like I wasted any time. It was your run-of-the-mill, series of questions, chain-letter, basic psychology sort of fortune teller email. It asked for my favorite number so I chose 4.3 - now 4.3 is a good number, its better than 4.2 or 4.4 and it represents a high A average. It popped into my mind and I used it. Later on in the email it turns out that my number represents “how many close friends you have in your lifetime.”
Now that number struck me as rather odd. First, 4 friends is a frightningly small number for one to have in a lifetime. Second, what about that 0.3? Is that a person with a select number of limbs amputated so they are .3 of a normal person or someone who is only friendly 33.3% of the time? Who knows. I think that’s the last e-mail like that I read for a while.
We receive the Tech section in our newspaper every Monday. Throughout the week I devour every article and review inside, fully aware that the topics covered are just the tip of the iceberg for that certain subject. It often serves as a jumping off point into the online world. I do wish there was more information for webdesigners, like statistics on who uses what browser and platform, but that’s what A List Apart is for. However, the Tech section occasionally has some great opinion pieces about online living that definitely set it apart from most online publications. For example, I recently read a piece by Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post about Ebay. His article contains a fantastic lead.
I love eBay. I particularly love the online flea market for its irrespressible anarchy. For $12 you can get Herman Scherchen’s classic recording of Mahler’s Symphony No. 5 in C Sharp Minor, or you can get a clock that farts the hour.
Doesn’t that just get you hooked? Mr. Weingarten goes on to describe his auction of useless stuff from around his house. In the end his signature didn’t sell, his joke did sell, and his useless car key sold. Strange, isn’t it?
I forgot to mention (or maybe I forgot I wrote about) the basketball game we had going a couple of days ago. It was a lot of fun. Participants included me, Steve, John, Matt, Tommy, and Richard. Playing basketball in the summertime sure brings back memories. We’ve been playing every summer for four years straight. Back when we started I was a complete basketball novice - I credit basketball and fall football over there at Steve’s with helping me discover that I actually can handle sports. Tons of good memories of just plain fun competition, and relatively few serious injuries. Also, we took a picture of all of us at basketball - I plan to take that one to college; one needs to have some concrete memories of the summer. That is partly why I keep this log. Life is full of so many good times that it is good to be able to remember what actually happened. Regardless, my broken toe seems good enough to play basketball, and that’s great news.
Next up in my subjects of discussion is girl’s demands. Now, girls don’t necessarily demand that guys have perfect physiques, but they do ask that we keep ourselves in decent shape. Keeping that in mind, and realizing the intense cardiovascular and weight loss benefits of running and other activities that involve shoes; why do they make fun of us for having white feet? Does this look like Hawaii? Do I look like a surfer? No, no. One of life’s little frusterations.
Finally, I need to document this certain point in my life when I have slept in over 30 days in a row before now, and will have the opportunity to sleep in over 30 days in a row after now. Just think about that, between work next summer, college, and the rest of my life, I am decades away from a time when I will be able to say that I have slept in over 1 month before a day, and will be able to sleep in one month after a day. Sad, but true.
The Digital Dude - The Digital Dude has a long history. He has done flashed introductions to the online websites of many organizations, including the Warner Brother’s movie Any Given Sunday. He also made the intro to Perfect Storm. I am amazed at his self-taught skill, sense of style, well designed flash pre-loading, and innovation through things like surround sound in Flash. Finally, his site has been “coming soon” for sometime, but his site still maintains huge traffic because everyone knows that when the Digital Dude releases something, it is always incredible and way out of the ordinary. Finally, I made the AOLAIM icons for xdude.com and sent them in a while ago. They got posted! Therefore, I can credit him with one of the only reasons my name appears in a Goolge search.
What Do I Know - Todd Dominey’s well written, interesting, well-designed, informative, completely accessible web log. He is quite a designer - I respect anyone who can get the PGA Open Championship webdesign job. I found this site through zeldman.com and have been visiting since. I think it’s the writing and the knowledge of the writer that make this site worth visiting and re-visiting and then bookmarking.
SimpleBits - SimpleBits is the home of a wonderful, standards compliant, funny, engaging, and writer of useful code designer. I enjoy the offerings on this site on a regular basis, and if you have any interest in standards, good design, sample code, or Dan Cederholm’s day-to-day life, then you should visit as well.
Justin and I talked about a bunch of things today. I don’t know if we are the type to sit down to coffee (or something similar, I don’t really like caffeine) and shoot the breeze/chit-chat/catch-up for hours. Maybe we are. Either way, when we have something to work on, we communicate quite well and naturally. Today we helped me out a lot by faxing the ISSN registration papers (20 to 30 business days to process…wow), registering tumbledry.org, examining the options at alterahosting.com, and mod_rewriting. About mod_rewrite: it’s unbelievable! The ability to secure a site through regular expression pattern matching and subsequent spitting outage of a Forbidden page is wonderful. So here I am, slowly coding and re-coding, checking and re-checking some mod_rewrite code so we can submit it and have it added to the VirtualHost (which we can’t do very often, it isn’t an automatic feature). I consider myself greatly blessed to be able to add mod_rewrite rules to the VirtualHost without possessing a dedicated server.
Additionally, from the sound of it, young children can throw up more than you would think and with greater stoicism and dignity than you could imagine.
Additionally, Justin and Amber are doing quite well. Both of you have fun and be excellent to one another!
Additionally, the rest of tonight is one big question mark. Which way will it go? It’s a physics problem.