Rumination of my Heart
Right now there are a lot of things running around in my head. If I were to follow the rules of good blogging as set out in some “A List Apart” article I read recently (saying exactly what those things in my head were, and describing them thoroughly), I would run out of room on this page. I will be succinct and general for my own privacy as well as everyone else’s.
An empty room can be so peaceful, so quiet, so serene, so utterly relaxing that you melt into your surroundings and dream of nothing. The minute you bring your own inner turmoil into the air of that room, you can’t live with yourself. You can do many things when this ensues; you can run away, you can scream, you can throw yourself against the bed or silently beat your head rhythmically against a wall for hours hoping to rid yourself of the flaw that brought you to this crossroads. Having tried the aforementioned in both the literal and figurative sense, I realized I was doing myself a disservice. What do I believe in? I believe in life, in peace, and in harmony. I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that things happen for the exact opposite of the reason that our troubled minds render as the truth. I believe in myself and I believe in others. I believe I’m losing myself in others.
But I don’t mind.
I have regrets. Too many to count. Too many to list. Too many to lament. But there are some worth counting, listing, and lamenting. I realize that the code that runs this site was written during times I could have been doing something else, I could have been a part of a certain “now” and in the moment. I realized this only in the dark recesses of the back of my mind during particularly troublesome hours of working on a mySQL connect or a file submission form. I regret not listening to that niggling sensation, the sensation that I was wasting my time, that it would be worked out, and most of all, that this site too will pass. I didn’t realize the scars of life I was inflicting on myself, ignorantly working at home getting nothing done. Do I value machines over people? No. But something was out of balance, something I solemnly swear to myself will never be out of balance again. After all, balance is what we thrive on.
When we are balanced there is acceptance. That strikes me as strange because I am the most off balance I have been in years right now and I still accept. There is no denial in my mind. Furthermore, how is it that there is no doubt in my mind, no shaky footstep forward, no weighing the options; how can I truly be stating this opinion I so strongly believe in when I have no balance to back it up? How am I functioning? Am I really still breathing? I never knew you could live without your heart beating inside you, wearing it on your sleeve.
Regrets. I don’t deny I have done many things wrong, I don’t deny the pain I feel. I didn’t know what I was up against, it was like walking into a pitch-black room of impenetrable darkness full of pits; I couldn’t take any step in any direction for fear of …. doing an injustice or making a mistake. All I could do was stand paralyzed in one spot, knowing this position was safe, and shakily reaching my hands out for something to hold onto, my hands grasping at air and hurting those involved. I regret I didn’t make some step, decide something.
But now a light as bright as the sun (not 1000’s suns, that has been used too many times) has been suddenly thrown into the room, casting the holes and pitfalls that were once so veiled and mysterious in sharp relief against an uneven and dangerous floor.
I know what to do.
I can see the path in front of me, and contrary to any reason that I can think of, I can make this decision without a shaking limb or an uncertain conscious. I regret I didn’t have this light before. Perhaps I could have turned around to switch it on or perhaps it was never within my power to do so. I regret I didn’t make this decision before. I regret that I did not stand and shout to the world “I believe in myself and what I am sharing with this person, so whatever you throw at me know now that it will not sway me, not budge me, not buckle my legs or the firm resolve of my confident heart: I BELIEVE IN US.” And so, humbled by my own mistakes and the blows of fortune, I make that announcement now to the world - I am not the Stranger, I’m connected to the living world and I will learn from every buffet and blow I receive from it and come out stronger.
As my word is my thought I’ll stop writing for now and end my stream-of-conscious. Don’t you dare think I am being idealistic or I am suffering from a particularly deep form of denial - I understand what is going on and this is how I have chosen to face it.
There will be more [coherence] later.