» 2001.04.18.3
I got into a conversation with a friend of mine today, and it came up that I haven’t drank anything since I got here. Most people have been wondering why I live a substance-free life around here (I mean, it’s freaking college, of all places), so yeah. Here’s your long-waiting explanation.

During high school, I formulated my own reasons as to why I didn’t drink or smoke either form of plant life. It essentially boiled down to the explanation that I didn’t want to do things to make myself stupider: that my intelligence is all I really have to myself, that it’s what identifies me, it’s what makes me unique. To dull or to stunt myself would be to deny what makes me myself, if that makes any sense.

During college, I read Ayn Rand (You saw this coming. Shut up.). I think she put it rather nicely in The Virtue of Selfishness, so I’ll repeat her words here:

“The pleasure of being drunk is obviously the pleasure of escaping from the responsibility of consciousness. And so are the kind of social gatherings, held for no other purpose than the expression of hysterical chaos, where the guests wander around around in an alcoholic stupor, prattling noisily and senselessly, and enjoying the illusion of a universe in which one is not burdened with purpose, logic, reality, or awareness.”

Road Trip, anyone? Scary Movie? Any frat party?
Word.

(Also, don’t go complaining to me that shows like the Paul Oakenfold one I attended last week are the same thing: I wasn’t on anything at Oakenfold and had such a great time regardless, so there. It’s easy to avoid the ingesting of such substances at those places, if you know what you’re doing.)

…Word.
EA quiz tomorrow: studying time is go!

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Simple Plan - “I’d Do Anything”
Sum 41
New Found Glory
Good Charlotte
Blink 182

Audioslave
Massive Attack “Mezzanine”
t.A.T.u. “Show Me Love”
Sarina Paris
Pet Shop Boys
Frankie Goes to Hollywood
George Acosta
chicane
Fragma
DJ Tiesto
Ferry Corsten
blink 182
sum 41
nirvana
Utah Phillips
jewel’s newest
“little bits”
Lifehouse
Chevelle
bon jovi
india arie
dj sammy
beachboys - i wanna go home
beck? - i’ve seen better days
cranberries dreams
Afro Celt Sound System
Daft Punk
miss jane - its a fine day

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A larger version is here.

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Paternal unit is in a bad mood currently. It just takes some minor infraction on the delicate balance of his all important day to send him spiraling into the depths of depression and lack of reason. Its sad how sophmoric habits and adolescent shortcomings stick can stick with a person forever. And its not just the lows that bother those who surround him. Its the highs that are so artificial and short-lived in contrast. Oh, and why would he have to derive satisfaction from his work all the time? His family means far less to him than his own personal accomplishements. What a ridiculous and unfortunate state of affairs. Its remotely like Harry Potter with that sorting hat. I desire to be far more of a man than he is.

God help me.

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Something is rattling around inside me. It really came to my attention when I listened to the Lionel Richie CD for the first time in a while. Its the feeling that things are looping around or something like that. Maybe not that as much as the feeling that I am feeling the same thing I did in the past, except tinged with the unmistakable subtle nuances that are now. Regardless, class is beginning to be a daily suffering. One goes there, and suddenly fails to see the point. Class points are either ridiculously important or stunningly unimportant. Lunches pop up in random places, classes switch order, I wander halls I never did before. There is quite a restlessness in me, the first of that kind that I have felt in sometime. Something resembling spring has sprung upon the unsuspecting high school, and the reaction has been subtly deep but superficially invisible. As the weather warms up, so does the hope that this will all end and we will be out. The thing none of us really realizes is that we aren’t ready to be out, we aren’t ready to leave. It isn’t time yet, and nevertheless we chomp at the bit, nervous to start something new. I want fourth term to include some things:

1.) Appreciation for the inescapable, undeniable, now, the most real thing that anybody will ever experience.
2.) Appreciation for the past, some retrospective time to walk the halls and remember what happened as I walked through them countless times, the halls I was in when I heard about September 11th, the halls I walked after every term, enjoying the satisfaction of 4 more grades entered into the cumulative stash.
3.) Reconnection with everybody I have known over the years, honing my social skills in preparation for the massive life reorganization period known as college.
4.) Smiling.
5.) Laughing.
6.) Resting.
7.) Cutting some corners.

And that will be fourth term. But that will be fourth term if and only if one thing happens; greater than a 51 out of 60 in the coming Calc points. The more things change, the more they stay the same. If I have ever had an important 60 points; these are it - I write this only because this weblog serves me as a relatively annonymous posting place; if I were to imagine anyone from my school that I know reading this, I would not be so frank. However, that is the grades situation as it stands, and I hope to update later in the week with the good news of success.

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Hello. I’m typing while I am on the phone. Well, I always type when I am on the phone, but in this case I am using two lines at once.

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Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
‘Cause it’s OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
‘Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you’d love to know what it’s like
Wouldn’t you
What it feels like for a girl

Silky smooth
Lips as sweet as candy, baby
Tight blue jeans
Skin that shows in patches

Strong inside but you don’t know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

Hair that twirls on fingertips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting

Hurt that’s not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you’re trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
What it feels like for a girl

Strong inside but you don’t know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

In this world
Do you know
Do you know
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
What it feels like in this world

There has been discussion that the updates I have been making are “fake” updates because they do not do a good job of truly revealing my thoughts and feelings during the post time … however, I believe that a good web log is defined as much by what it includes as by what it omits and therefore I chose to omit a lot lately and reveal what I wish. Draw what conclusions you will.
By the way, if anybody says “shoutout” “decent” or “tap that” again, I’m gonna lose it.

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