Sometimes, You Feel Like a Spring
One of the biggest obstacles preventing me from writing very much in the past couple of months has been worrying about dental school: specifically, whether or not I have gotten in. I’ve been hesitant to write anything at all about it until I knew one way or the other; it’s awfully difficult to think about, much less write coherent thoughts concerning my hopes, dreams, and fears. Come to think of it, avoiding the cathartic effect of writing may have been a mistake. There are many stories to tell that have happened along the way … but they will fit best when there is some sort of conclusion. Then again, I don’t know if I really want to look back at the journal of my life and read about all this worrying I’ve done. Either way, the silence has been getting to be too much, so I think I’ll pick up on the writing thing again.
As for dental admission, if things go one way, I have the financial aid, an apartment, and so much more to plan for and look forward to. If things go another way, I have looming job interviews and essentially a blank slate. Blank slates the size of careers scare me. And so it’s gone in my head since the end of November: Will I Get In, What Will Happen, Oh Worry And Woe Is Me. If sharing a problem cuts it in half, sharing that kind of self-pity makes the sharees want to cut the sharer in half. Or something. I can tell it’s been a while since I wrote things down.
To make an analogy out of the situation does not require much thought: I feel as if I am a coiled spring, full of tension and potential, but never given the chance to unwind and turn that potential into kinetic, active, meaningful movement. Plus, after all this tension, I don’t feel like the tense coiled spring of a cat ready to pounce, but more like the worn out garage door opening spring that, when activated, only manages to haul the door up halfway.
Comments
John
Well, at least your not like an old worn out garage door spring that snaps in the middle of winter. That happened to my grandparents. Literally, not figuratively. :)
Nils
Alex, I think I can say with a good amount of certainty that you are not alone in these feelings. That said, I think that we have to learn to deal with uncertainty for the time being. We're 21 for christ's sake, the possibilities and choices that lay ahead of us are virtually endless. The problem is that high school and college have not primed us to deal with the unknown. There has always been a set track that we have been required to follow and that track pretty much ends with college, I think. We should all be prepared for unforeseen conflicts and always have back up plans because you never know how things will turn out. I've been thinking a lot about post graduation lately and I have thrown together a few scenarios for myself: stay with TV and pursue jobs in TV market, move to LA and attempt the film industry, join the peace corp, or move to Norway and do something (read: I have no clue). I think can live with those options.
Nils
Of course, this is all suffice to say that you are a very smart, very good guy, Alex and you know this. What does someone like you have to worry about?
Adam Caulfield
Well, I can definitely say that you are not alone in these feelings. I've been preparing for grad school for the last year really and will be finding out the verdict to all that work within the next month or so. While I can completely understand where you're coming from, I've found it much easier if you can think of future schooling with excitement rather than worry. Besides, I know that you have nothing to worry about.
Alexander Micek
I hope your grandparents are well, John. I appreciate the perspective. :)
Nils, I was actually talking to my parents about what you said and how it's a very cool outlook to take on the future. I especially like your "maybe go to Norway" thing. Embracing the uncertainty of the future sounds like a title for a self help book, but I'm starting to see it's the only real way to get through this and have fun along the way. Thinking of being on the cusp of everything in my life is good for me - the potential, the possibilities, and so on.
You know Adam, the feeling of solidarity with peers who are going through the same thing is a good one. I know what it's like to be waiting to hear on things, so I wish you the best of luck in your graduate school pursuits. It'd be nice if schools got back to students faster, but just forget about 'em in the meantime.
Anyhow … thanks for your kind words, guys - I'll keep you updated.
Justin Gehring
This is nothing more than a test comment…
Alexander Micek
Thanks for the help testing the new and not so secret tumbledry. Shalom.
Nils
Update! Update now!!