Everyday, I want to become better, but I don’t mean that in a small way. I want to be wholly… Faster. Smarter. Nicer. Stronger. More imaginative. Pursuing these ideals drives me, like the fire drives the steam engine, from the inside. This all worked for me, back when I showed up to a job and then went home at peace… I pursued my own goals and reached for the gold rings that I put in front of me.

But now, in school, there’s something external that everyday tells me I must be smarter, faster, better — and if I’m not, someone will get hurt. This produces a toxic tension: I want to improve upon a bunch of pieces of me while they want me to improve on but a few.

I can’t satisfy myself and them. And it drives me crazy.